JESUS WAS A VAMPIRE!

Christ rose from the dead to drink followers' blood!

©1992 by C. Arthur Kill

There were vampires everywhere, which was fitting in a way, since Coppola's Dracula opened that same weekend. A couple of the undead creatures toyed with me in the elevator, threatening to drink my blood, but then they saw the grinning face of "Bob" on my T-shirt, and realised that I was under the Church's protection.

I exited the elevator on the basement floor of the Castlegate Hotel, in Atlanta, Georgia. I was there for a three day convention that dealt with Sado-Masochism, Computer Hacking, Conspiracy Theory, Space Colonization, Virtual Reality, and of course, The Church of the Subgenius.

In one ballroom, Cyberpunk Author Bruce Sterling talked about his latest book, The Hacker Crackdown, and about freedom on the Electronic Frontier. In another room, a panel of experts discussed The New World Order, subliminal messages, and Lee Harvey Oswald. In yet another room, a Bobbie was ranting about the size of his penis, over an open mike, even though nobody else was in the room except one other person waiting his turn at the mike.

Upstairs, in another part of the hotel, a live hacker role playing game was going on, fought on computers. There were a couple of rooms showing obscure badfilm and strange video, nonstop 24 hours a day.

And of course, there was the merchandise room, full of underground comics, conspiracy publications, jewelry, books and much, much more. I wandered in, wishing that I had more money to spend, and bought a "smart drink" to quench my thirst. It tasted nasty, like too-thick Tang, and ended up giving me a headache.

Which is, sadly to say, what Phenomicon gave to the people responsible for it. Throwing a Con is not easy work, and it can be really depressing if nobody shows up.

Where were you? Why did you miss the most interesting event to happen in all of Georgia this year? Why did everyone miss it? Why wasn't anybody there?

Perhaps you just didn't know about. Maybe you just couldn't make it to Atlanta. Perhaps you had to wash your hair.

Right now, nobody knows if there is going to be a Phenomicon 3. Rumour has it that this event lost between three and four thousand dollars, because nobody showed up.

That's not exactly true. There were a few hundred live people there, in addition to the two hundred or so vampires running around. The Devival was actually crowded.

A big screen projector dominated the room. Toasterized video montage played on it through most of the devival, but before the preaching began, we were treated to the Robert Tilton Fart Tape. You haven't laughed until you have seen this tape, friends- I have no idea where to get ahold of this but if you ever get the chance to see this - please do! This alone was worth the admission price to all of Phenomicon.

Reverend Ivan Stang, the Sacred Scribe himself, hosted the Devival, backed up musically by Dr. Philo Drummond and The Swinging Love Corpses. Sister Mary2 Au Contraire, Papa Joe Mama, and St. Pope Janor Hypercleats were there as well, preaching the Gospel of "Bob".

What can I say? It was the Subgenius Event of the year. Not just one head launching, but TWO! And tub after tub of Face Fucking Bat Sperm Antidote Pudding! Pyroflatuation! Spontaneous human combustion! A J. R. "Bob" Dobbs Clone, battling for his life with a deranged Overman! Stump fucking! The hipswaying juju-space jive jazz acid rock sounds of the Swinging Love Corpses, and tightly packed gyrating bodies. The Spirit of JHVAE-1, alien space god itself, was in that room, charging the air with reverse spinning time dilating Bobyon Particles!

You had to be there, for the full effect.

With luck, maybe next year.